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Archive for April, 2006

Angry….

Gee I feel so lost today. It is like I don’t know what to do anymore. I snap at DH, growl at Cocky, Nipper and Gizmo. Don’t know what is going on. I just feel so angry today like yeah I know the world keeps going and I have to do this and get this done before Monday as I am back to work again and then I go into the unfair world and think that I shouldn’t be going to work etc. etc. blah blah, same old, same old. Nothing seems to really matter but then the smallest things get me really crapped off. Go figure. I had the most wonderful experience yesterday when I went to have a spiritual healing done and I went in with no expectations and when the lady was finished she asked me if I had a miscarriage recently, I said that I had one about 6 years ago but last year we lost a baby at 2 days of age. She said that she had received a message from a “son spirit” and it was saying “mummy”. I was blown away and the tears just started flowing and I was so pleased that my little man had let me know that he was ok. I do miss him so much and would do anything to see his little chest breathing up and down while he was in my arms again. To shatter my nice feelings we get a phone call this morning from a friend saying that the cemetery had been vandalised again and that hooligans had taken things off Lukes’ grave that his grandmother had bought for him. How bloody angry were we all. How low must these people be to take special precious items off peoples babies graves. I hope their fingers drop off. Other people had things broken and they had also left empty vodka bottles and shredded paper all over the ground and tried to light a fire in a nearby garbage bin. Some people just have no idea. I think that is what has put me in such a fine mood today. Wish I could catch them in the act, then they wouldn’t know what had hit them. Grrrrrrr……

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New beginnings..

Well all of our ‘firsts’ are over now. We have had to experience everything a year can present without our son. Hopefully we can now move forward and learn to live with our loss and start to look forward to a brighter future. Our son’s birthday was on Saturday and we took out some gorgeous balloons in a cupcake and a new jack russell soft toy. We sang him happy birthday and then we sat with him for a while just to reflect on the past twelve months. That day was a long day and we had many phone calls, text messages, flowers delivered, visitors, emails sent and presents left at the cemetery for Luke. It is lovely to have such supportive friends and family. Then you think of the down side of this period and how it should have been oh so different and that everyone should’ve been here for a real birthday party with kids running around and Luke sitting at the head of the table with his party hat on and his birthday cake that I had slaved over sitting in front of him with icing all over his face posing for a photo. Yesterday was the anniversary of his last day and we really struggled with the memories of this day we spent in Melbourne. Drew and I looked at the photos together and then I fought all day not to cry and I was scared if I started crying I wouldn’t stop. We survived the day and I am sure we will survive each day in the future as we have no choice. What else can we do. If crying or being sad brought him back he would be here with us again already. I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow as I still struggle with that, just the fact that I should be home looking after our little man and experiencing new things every day. It will never be fair or justified.

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Why?

Why is such a powerful word. I have spent a lovely day with my friend today who has been to hell and back so many times and why seemed to pop up in our conversation so many times. Even though she has been through so much in the past two years, she is such an inspiration to me and helps me deal with my grief even though she is suffering so much more grief than I could ever imagine. I hope that our friendship will be a strong and unconditional one that lasts forever and that we give each other the love and support that each of us may need. Back to this “Why” word. So many times have we used it, why us, why Luke, why them, why didn’t we know, why didn’t we do this, why didn’t we find out earlier, why can other people who don’t deserve their children have them, why can rapists and murders have children, why do people who only want to have babies to get the money fall pregnant…..so many whys? The world is full of so many unanswered questions that we will never know the answers to. We are coming up to the birthday of our little boy Luke this Saturday and I have so many emotions running through my body. I shouldn’t be trying to find a cupcake candle to place at his graveside- I should be deciding who to invite to his birthday party, what to buy him and what sort of fancy cake I am going to bake for him. Then it goes to what I was up to this time last year. I remember sitting in his room in the rocking chair that I had ready for breastfeeding and just crying and sobbing for hours upon hours….not really knowing why I was crying. I thought it was nerves and anxiety, maybe it was mothers intuition and deep down I knew something was wrong….another unanswered question. I would be going into hospital tomorrow this time last year ready to be induced…. so sad.

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For the past 9 days I have been sweating that my period was late, but mother nature must have smiled on me for a change and just as I was heading to my doctor this morning I was greeted with my monthly friend. When I had finally plucked up the courage to tell Drew that my period had arrived he got upset, I am still not exactly sure why he got upset. I guess he thinks that by me being pregnant without trying takes a lot of pressure of us and we would be softly forced into learning to deal with our grief. I personally was pleased that my period arrived as I want to make sure that I have done everything possible to make sure I have not done anything which might risk losing another child. If something bad does happens when we do try again then so be it but at least I can rest easy knowing that I didn’t cause the loss. I also want to make sure that my tumor is under control which it isn’t at the moment so yes it was a bittersweet moment for me this morning. I know we will be and deserve to be parents to living children one day but gee it is going to be a scary time for us when it does happen. So many emotions to experience. Now I just have to wait until 23rd May to see my specialist and go from there before thinking about this again…hopefully!

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First visit…

Well I finally faced my fears last night and visited a friend who had her baby girl 6 weeks after our son was born. I have been in touch with my friend via the phone and email but not been able to meet her new baby due to the constant reminder of what size my little man would be now. It also really hurts to see other people have this bond and be with their children when we were denied every precious moment with our son. The visit went well I guess, Bianca was in bed when I first got there so that was nice as it gave me a few minutes to take in everything and speak to Audra one on one until the crys started. My lungs were closing up and the oxygen didn’t seem to want to go there at all. When Audra came back with Bianca I didn’t know what to do first, look away, stare at her features, cry, laugh, or just get up and leave. Biance was a sweet little thing and wouldn’t leave me alone. When I decided to leave Audra and Bianca walked me out and just as I turned to say goodbye for the final time, just above Audra’s head was a beautiful rainbow and that brought me undone as it was like our little boy from heaven was saying hi mum, well done, I am so proud of you. I couldn’t get in car quick enough and drove off before the tears started to fall as I didn’t want Audra to know how upset I really was. I cried all the way home and was pleased in a way that I had pushed myself to do that but also so sad as I now know what I should be experiencing with our son. When is it ever going to be fair or easy to live with, that I will never know.

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Hi,
This is my first post. My dear friend introduced me to this “blogging” business and I will see if it helps us in anyway just by being able to write our feelings down. Our son Luke was born on 22nd April 2005 after being induced at 42 weeks. He wasn’t well and the doctors weren’t exactly sure what was going on. We ended up flying to Melbourne with Luke and the specialists found that he was the 10th baby recorded in Australia with a rare condition called Vein of Galen Malformation and his condition was so bad that there was nothing we could do to help him. We were devastated as we had to make the decision of when to turn off the machines that were keeping him alive. How do you make that decision! We finally had enough of seeing him suffer and we told the nurses of our concern for him and then they took us into a special room and left us to hold him in our arms until he took his last breaths just two short days later. How do you ever get over that feeling and the feelings of anger, guilt, gut-wrenching sadness, blame, longing, resentment and many many more feelings that follow his death. We will continue to make posts and hopefully this will help us ride this rollercoaster.

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