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Archive for May, 2006

Well how I wish I could rewind to Friday and start again. I had the worst weekend I’ve had for a very long time. Just when you think you are going ok life bites you on the backside again. I had a horrible day on Friday and then went to bed with a terrible headache and felt so sick that I could hardly turn my head without wanting to vomit from my new medication. Sat was the absolute pits. I started off ok and then it just kept getting worse and worse. Firstly I was late for my hair appt (I thought it was 11am and Monique called me at 10.40am to see where I was as my appt was 10.30am!) then I raced to town and got there just on 11am. I waited while she finished the lady beside me who when I looked at her after around 10 mins realised it was the midwife that had been with me from 8am until 3.30pm the day Luke was born. That was tough, she was the last person that has seen me truly happy. Then it got worse, she kept talking about babies, maternity leave, blah blah blah and the tears were welling up in my eyes and I just wanted to get up and leave the salon. Then her husband rings to say that their baby girl wouldn’t settle and he was bringing her in – great! I had to sit and witness him coming in and then Monique moved her so that she could feed their baby. Then instead of getting my free hair colour I had to pay as they don’t do the free ones on Sat’s. Then I got a parking ticket. I sat in my car and cried for about 30 minutes. I decided to go for a drive to calm down a bit and ended up out the back of St Leonards somewhere. Then my friend Katrina called to say that vandals had hit our boys’ graves’ again!!! This time they took another crystal from us. Enough is enough already. I went to the cemetery to check everything else in place, it was. Went to a jewellery party and enjoyed a much needed glass of red. Then I went to the footy to meet up with DH. We ended up at the pub for a quick counter meal and after we got home I spoke to my friend MS and she gave me the news that she had delivered a baby boy. Happy for them, so sad for us. 99% of my friends have had baby boys since we lost Luke, just another kick in the guts. Cried my eyes out for hours wondering what the f#$k I have done to deserve this. Sunday DH and I went to the market to see if the sicko’s that had been stealing from us were sick enough to re-sell our things. Thankfully they weren’t on any tables for sale. As you can see I don’t want to relive that one anytime too soon. I guess that I thought things would get easier after the 12 month anniversary. If anything it feels like it is getting worse. Too hard.

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How my heart breaks and my fists clench when we go to visit our little Luke’s grave and find more of our precious gifts we have purchased for our son have been stolen. Around two weeks ago we had a lovely night out to dinner with friends and we ended up at Family Fun where we spotted a Scooby Doo soft toy and we had to have it. You see when we first fell pregnant DH and I were regular visitors to markets, something we have not been able to do since. We loved markets, every chance we could we would go to one. We found a Scooby Doo soft toy and a Goofy soft toy for 20c each at the same stall at the Evandale Market on two separate occasions. We had to get them for our unborn childs nursery. Nine months later when Luke was buried we knew straight away that those two toys were the ones that we would place at the cemetery and they have been there from day one. Well this night out two weeks ago, we decided that we could replace the old Scooby that had faded terribly with the new one if we could win enough tickets at Family Fun. Well we all got into it, racing each other on horses, basketball hoops, car races, punching comp’s…heaps of innocent fun and we got enough tickets to take the new improved Scooby home that night as well as a gorgeous Eeyore soft toy which we could also swap over from faded Goofy. The next day we took away the faded soft toys which was sad in itself as they were his official first toys and placed the new ones in their spot. We put meat skewers through their legs and pushed them deep into the dirt to avoid the wind or anything else whisking them away. Well last night we got to the cemetery after work and low and behold both of them had been taken, skewers and all. Everything else was still in it’s place. How angry were we. DH searched the surrounding area and also the bush behind the cemetery but there was no sign. The people that do this must be the most evil, heartless people on earth. I hope they can live with their sins. It’s not so much the fact that they have taken the toys, they are material things at the end of the day. It is the fact that they have been near our boy, standing on top of his grave and doing such bad things and we weren’t there to protect him.

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Tough times…

Why on earth do some people have to suffer so much heartache and others breeze through life without many hassles at all? I still believe it should be a reward system. Good people have good things happen and the bad people suffer the bad things. Why this isn’t the case I have no idea. Makes sense to me. Two of my dear friends are hurting and I can’t help them and that breaks my heart too. My DH is still hurting so much from losing our son and I can’t help him. I am still suffering the same loss as well as enduring relationship stress and I can’t seem to help that much either. It is all too hard sometimes and you wonder why even bother. On a brighter note, my specialist gave us some more insight to what is going on with my tumour today and DH and I feel a lot happier with what we know now. I start new treatment tomorrow and fingers crossed this won’t make me as sick as the current treatment does. Some positive news for a change. Bring on Friday. This working is over-ratted.

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Survived…

Well I survived another Mothers Day. It was tough work this year as last year I was still in shock and living on another planet – but as usual I tried not to think too hard. It is so much easier when you lock your feelings in your toes. D brought me a lovely gift from Bubby Luke and wrote the most beautiful words in the card which made me cry. I tried not to get too upset though as my mother in-law was staying so I kept it to myself most of the day and just pottered around by myself staying out of the way. I was given some knee length pink ug-boots and a pink and white coffee mug that has “yummy mummy” on the side. I really appreciated the thought and care that D put into my present and it is also nice that he still considers me to be yummy too. I truly don’t know what or how to feel sometimes, yes I am a mum but where is my child, not with me, so no I’m not a mum. Too hard. We had a lovely afternoon with our families and went out for dinner at the local pub and I was so pleased when we got there that we weren’t surrounded by too many people and there were no babies anywhere to be seen. That would’ve been too hard for me.

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Numb…

You go through so many emotions when you grieve, at the moment I am just numb. I feel bad because I am not sad and I am not angry with anything. I can’t cry either, I am just numb. I think I have just pushed my feelings down so deep at the moment so that I will stop hurting for now. I have another hurtful weekend coming up with Mothers Day on Sunday. I think last year I didn’t try to begin to think about the years ahead on Mothers Day’s as we just didn’t ackowledge it at all last year. I know I am a mum and that I gave birth to our little boy and held him for two days in the physical world and will continue to hold him forever in my heart – but I can’t help but think what people will think when we go out for tea on Sunday night with our mums. People will think that Drew and I are just taking our mums out for Mothers Day and not think that I am also a mum too as our son won’t be with us. It is so cruel. Sometimes I questions whether I am a mum as I am not looking after anyone so I’m not really but then I think about Luke and know that I surely am his mum. Bring on Monday.

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Well I am pleased to say I had a lovely fight-free peaceful weekend just gone. We spent lots of quality time together just enjoying each others company as well as some much needed alone time and basically tried not to think too deeply about our past twelve months. We went out for dinner with our wonderful friends on Sat night and had heaps of fun at Family Fun on the way home, we watched some TV, we pottered around the house getting jobs done and even managed to complete the huge job of installing a doggie door without murdering each other even though I stuffed up the instructions. Here’s to many more weekends and days ahead the same. I know we will get there, it just seems so far away and too hard when we are at our lowest.

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Flat and alone are about the best words to some up my feelings at the moment. Drew and I are are living in two different universes at present and we seem to clash at every chance possible. I know this doesn’t reflect our feelings for each other it is just the pressure of our new lives. I also feel like I must be such a bad friend and horrible to be around as I don’t hear from many people anymore. I know it is a two way street and that I can pick up the phone too but then I think well people obviously aren’t calling me for a reason so I had better not call them. So I just sit at home feeling alone with my husband cross with me most of the time for dumb things I have said or he has taken the wrong way. It shouldn’t be like this and that is the most frustrating part I think. My life has gone from being the happiest lady about to expect their first child with anxiety and anticipation and into an unknown world to a life where I just don’t know where I fit anymore. I am a mum but I’m not a mum. I don’t want to be working with computers and peoples financial figures, I want to be home playing and teaching my little boy things. That I will never come to terms with. I hope I start to feel whole and loved by my family and friends again soon.

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