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Archive for July, 2006

Strength

Just wanted to post how happy I am for my dear friend who is about to start another journey in life. I am so scared for them, happy for them, proud of them and also envious of their strength to try again. I would love to try again some days and then other days I feel so guilty for even thinking about trying as I feel like I am letting Luke down by wanting another baby. I would love to bring him back and be enjoying our son like most of our friends are, but that can never happen worse luck, so what do we do… Have had a lovely week without stress, anger and frustration involved. Bring on more weeks like these. I just wish that D & I had the strength to move forward and become parents to a living child that we can give double cuddles and kisses to, one for them and one for their brother in heaven.

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Friends

I have been so up and down over the past few weeks. From so low that I think why on earth am I still wanting to be alive and bring on my next life to… how thankful I am to have a lovely husband, wonderful family and friends who all love me in return. I guess this is the roller coaster I am on that I have named my blog after. I had a lovely night out with friends last weekend, a quiet dinner, wine and a few laughs which is always a good fix for me. Then this weekend my best friend Karen came up for the night and we went shopping for 6 hours, then we spent the night chatting, drinking and even squeezed in a sing and dance. I always feel much better after a “Karen” fix. I also rang my friend that had her little boy two weeks ago yesterday afternoon, it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I must be getting a little braver every day. It is so hard though, we just want to be experiencing what they are with our son. I would like to try again for our next child soon, I deserve to be a mum and I can’t wait to see D being the wonderful father I know he will be. We were both so ready to be proud parents and both so robbed when we lost Luke. We will never get over losing him and we are blessed that we had the chance to meet him but feel that it would help us heal by filling our empty arms with Luke’s little brother or sister.

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Long time no blog…

A couple of friends have said they were worried that I haven’t blogged for so long…. so here I am. There are a couple of reasons why I haven’t blogged for a while, the first being, I have been working so many hours and a lot of them out of the office so by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is turn on my computer and the second reason is that I am sick of being flat and writing sad things about how low I am feeling. I just want to be normal Cindy again…. where has she gone!! Friends, who we were very close to until Luke died, just had a baby boy which is another kick in the guts for me too. Are there no girl babies anymore? Far out it is just like everyone else gets a boy but sucked in Drew & Cindy, you get to carry your boy for 42 weeks and give birth to him, but you don’t get to keep him and now you have to be around and face everyone else enjoying theirs. It’s not that I am unhappy for our friends, it’s just not fair for us, never will be. The other day at the cemetery I just stared at his plaque and then said “Ok, I’ve had enough of you being here now, it’s time you come home with me.” If only! This grieving your little child is so cruel and no matter what people say – it doesn’t get easier! I feel like it is getting harder some days. I just miss our little boy so much.

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