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Archive for August, 2006

What the?….

Why on earth do things happen the way they do. Why do we need to be the ones that suffer while others cruise through life without a heartache in the world. This suffering changes you as a person. I know I’m not the same person I was 16 months ago. I don’t like who I am much anymore and I find my friends have backed off a lot too so maybe they feel the same way too. Sometimes I feel normal, other times I feel like I am on the outside looking in on the world and everything that is around me. I say dumb inappropriate things to people that I care about. My dear friend M is suffering another shocking blow and my heart is aching for her. Enough already, we just want to be mums. Not too much to ask really when you look at all of the other mums walking the streets with their prams taking for granted what precious experiences they are living. I put my foot in it with another friend at work yesterday, she is 26 weeks, I asked her how she was going etc etc and she said great, had all of the scans now, blah blah, and good old Cindy pipes up and says “I’d have more if I were you, I wish I had more, Luke was fine at our 18 week scan and look what happed to us”…. poor V, the look on her face. I apologised and said that I am sure everything will be ok for her and that I am just paranoid now. Then the other night my friend M, who’s heart was breaking and was commenting on how old and crusty she was getting and good old Cindy strikes again and says “you’re not crusty”….I am on a role this week. No wonder my friend count is dwindling. I am just such a different person now. I don’t want to be me anymore. I want to be happy, easy going Cindy again. We went to Sydney on the weekend and had a lovely time away, crammed in as much shopping, touring as we could in the two days. Another blow to us though, call from R who was looking after the dogs while we were away – ummm, house has been broken into. OMG, give us a break. Nothing been taken or disturbed but just the thought of someone entering our house while we were so far away is horrible. We just wanted to hop on the first plane home. At least nothing valuable was taken. Not looking forward to this Sunday much, D should be experiencing a happy fathers day playing with our son who has helped me make home-made presents, but instead he has to suffer another sad day without his dad or his son. Life can be so cruel. I hope to see him smile again soon.

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