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Archive for November, 2006

Running out of time..

Well my week only gets better. Blood test results phone call ended drastically. Prolactin gone up from 342 to 714 in just two weeks. Specialist says wait one more month and if December bloods are worse I will need to go bad on my tumour medication. Bloody thing. Sometimes I think I should just get the damn thing removed but I am more scared of a failed procedure and ending up blind and on tablets for the rest of my life to compensate for missing hormones than just taking a tablet everyday for the rest of my life. Here’s hoping for good test results in Dec. That would be a nice xmas present. Xmas joy joy, can’t wait for that… another reminder that we don’t have our son with us to open presents and enjoy the expressions on his face when he sees Santa and send photos in xmas cards to our friends and family. That is one of the many reasons I don’t do xmas cards anymore, don’t be offended, it’s nothing personal about our friendships, it is just easeir not to so that it is less pain at this terrible time of the year. We may put up a tree this year, it wasn’t an option last year, too hard… especially when we will find the balls we had made with our names – Drew, Cindy & Bubby the year before last.

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Shit weekend…

The weather was gorgeous, no real plans to tie me down and then bang I was struck with the dreaded tummy virus going around.  I was ok when I went to bed on Friday night but then on Sat morning I went down hill as soon as my feet hit the floor.  I struggled to have a shower and had to go back to bed as I felt like I was going to pass out.  Then I had to push myself to get to pathology for my must have on this day blood test done, feeling absolute crap and had to sit for a while once bloods were done.  Popped into a friends house to drop off her mary kay and decided to sit and have a cool drink and rest a bit before deciding it was time to head straight home and hit the couch.  By the time I reached the couch the tears were rolling down my cheeks from the stomach cramps.  I stayed there until Drew came straight home from bowls and after declining his offer to take me to the hospital he ran me a bath and then I went to bed.  Yesterday I started off a bit slow and bit the bullet and got a bit done but then by 2pm I was back on the couch with tummy cramps again.  So as you can see I had a crap weekend with nothing achieved and feeling very miserable.  Don’t you hate that.  I am better today but my tummy is still letting me know it isn’t very happy. 

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My wish..

My wish was always just to be a mum, ever since I can ever remember, I never wanted a career, I just wanted to be at home, with a husband that loves and adores me, with children who I care for and love so much, cooking, cleaning, sewing and doing domestic things, but most of all loving my children as much as my mum always has loved me.  So here I am now 33, still childless, missing our little boy so much, wondering why I have to go to work tomorrow to fix people computers and stress about things that I really don’t care about and work with people who aren’t very nice to me, why can’t I just stay at home with our boy tomorrow and watch him learn and grow, why have I now had two opportunities to have what I have always wanted but those opportunities have been taken away from me.  I don’t think I am a bad person, I know I have done some stupid and hurtful things to people in the past but nothing so drastic that warrants this pain of being childless with such empty arms and aching heart for our son.  I find it so hard to see my friends being mums, doing all of the things I so long to do, hearing grandmothers talking about their grandchildren wishing it was my mum saying those things to people.  I find it so hard seeing dads with their children just wishing my dear husband could be experiencing those things too.  I am just missing our little boy so much today, I am so lost, I am wandering around the house not having any idea what the hell to do.  I just hope all the mums and dads out there truly appreciate what they have and hold their children close every chance they get.  I hope they never have to feel what I am feeling right now.

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I’m back..

It’s been a while… I am so busy with work, travelling for work and hating computers that I haven’t been turning on my computer at home much.  After looking at them and trying to fix them all day it is the last thing I feel like doing when I get home.  I am going ok, just really tired and flat.  My friend K had their little baby boy 2 weeks ago, so much for that stitch!  Well that’s not true either as the stitch is still there but her placenta started to tear so they had to do an emergency c-section to delivery Riley at 27 1/2 weeks.  He is going great and they even took him off the nose prong thing yesterday.  She hopes to be home in two weeks.  We went to the shack for the long weekend which was lovely, I really hang out to get on my beach and just stare at the ocean and try to figure out my life.  Didn’t figure anything out but feel much better.  D a bit down at the moment and I wish I could help him.  I think we all have our down days and that is just normal but I just wish I could take away his pain. My tumour playing up again and I may have to go back on my tablets again next month, another blood test in two weeks which will be the decider.  So over this work thing, it is soooo over-rated.  Why does money have to be such a big part of our lives.  Bring on Friday night.

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