Archive for February, 2007


Why does fear conquer our lives.  My fear overcome me on Sunday, I was invited to go to a BBQ with friends but my brain took over and in the end my fear won.  The BBQ was to be to catch up with a friend from QLD.  But you see I was pregnant with two of my three friends there and the other friend was going to be Lukes’ godmother and I was terrified that I would lose my composure watching their children playing without the missing piece of the puzzle, my son.  I didn’t want them to be watching me to see if I was ok and that I wasn’t getting upset, I didn’t want to put a dampner on the day.  I just simply didn’t trust myself, so I chickened out and didn’t go….now I feel like a bad friend, a selfish friend, a cowardly friend and now I found out this morning that my friend from QLD has gone home and I didn’t even get to see her or meet her children again.  I feel like I have let her down as she flew home early for Lukes’ funeral even with a young baby at the time.  I hope that I can beat my fear soon before I lose my friends.   I don’t want to be the scared, sad, morbid, cranky, depressing friend anymore but how do I get through to the old happy, carefree, jovial Cindy again? 


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Sad weekend..

I had a sad weekend, just felt really sad and wanted to hide away from the world.  I spent some time with a friend who is 17 wks with twins and it was tough, she is excited and as I remember the only thing you want to talk about it your baby (in her case babies) and some things are just too hard to hear.  She was telling me about the gorgeous grow suits that she had bought that said “I love Daddy” and “I love Mummy”… I just smiled at her and said how cute… little did she know that we buried our precious boy wearing a grow suit that said “I love Daddy, Daddy loves me…I love Mummy, Mummy loves me”  I bought that suit when I was about 6 mths pregnant and I was all excited too and couldn’t wait to show Drew when he got home from work that night.  Who would’ve ever known that he would be wearing that cute suit for life in a little white coffin.  I miss him so much.  Then on Sunday another friend of Drew’s came to see us and told us another person we know is expecting a baby.  Why not us!!  Why can’t we have this good news to give to people?  All of these things pop in my head continuously, am I too overweight?, am I just not meant to be a mum?  Speaking of mums, I am missing my mum heaps and just in need of some good old fashion TLC right about now.   Sometimes I just wish that I could wrap myself up in a big snuggly rug and hide in a corner somewhere and cry for hours, would I be ok then? 

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True friends are wonderful, kind, understanding and I am so grateful to have some true friends in my life who accept me for who I am, through the good and bad times, try to understand how I am feeling when I am down, they are patient and caring when I tell them my fears about being around their children that should be playing with our son and how my heart breaks that he isn’t there too.  I asked another friend when does it get easier and she beautifully said the scar will always be there, it may get fainter.  The longer it is taking for us to try again the harder it gets living with the frustration of my whole life.  Why can’t things run smoothly, why have I had so many hurdles to cross compared to some of my friends, why can’t I just be a normal wife with my beautiful husband and son sharing life experiences together instead of being too afraid to turn on the television tonight because chanel 10 decides it is going to host a show called “saving babies” – yeah thanks for that, why don’t you rub it in even further that no-one could “save” our baby.  have they no heart for those who have not had their babies saved.  So many things upset me and I am sure my tongue is a centimetre shorter from all the biting I have had to do in the past 22 months.  People whinging about their babies, their kids, people going back to work 3 mths after their babies are born, it’s all so not fair and I feel like giving them an absolute spray about swapping lives with them for just 1 day and feeling my broken heart and then maybe they will hold their children tighting, longer and treasure every single moment they have with them.  Some people just don’t realise how lucky they really are.   On a happier note, 83 sleeps until we take off on the love boat.

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Not fair….

3 days late, D starting to get excited…… but no such luck, just got my period. I feel like such a failure, my body just won’t do what it should be doing and I feel like I am letting D down so badly.  He gets mad with me for saying these things but I just can’t help but blame myself.  I just want us to be able to have one more baby to keep for ourselves and I can’t understand why it won’t happen. 

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Drew and I booked a P & O Cruise today to the South Pacific on 10th May 2007 for 11 nights…. and we can’t wait.  We have had an absolute shocking past two years and we are soooo looking forward to the holiday and the relaxation together, we so deserve it.   Hopefully we will have some nice news to take with us (due for p tomorrow) but if not at least we have something positive to look forward to.  93 sleeps…. 

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