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Archive for April, 2007

Grumpy…

Just been to a blogger friends site and she had written about stillbirths.  How horrible a time for those parents.  I only said to D the other day how (unusual word I know) “lucky” that we were that Luke wasn’t stillborn after reading yet another notice in the newspaper last week.  Even though our hearts have been broken forever, we did get to experience some things, yes his eyes open and looking towards us when we talked to him, his crying, his movements, his snuggles, his smell, bathing & clothing him, all of those things that people just take for granted on a daily basis.  That Friday to Sunday were the best and worst days of our lives.  My heart go out to those parents who have not been able to experience any of those things even if they are shortly stolen from you like us. 

On a happier note, can you believe it’s only 9 sleeps until our holiday.  I am now getting very nervous, dragged the old boy shopping on Saturday for clothes (he hates it) and really struggled due to the winter range already on display, oh well I will just cope with whatever I find in the wardrobe that still fits my growing body. 

On a scary note, blood tests today for our 12 week scan which we have next Monday 7th.  Nervous about it being only 2 days from the beginning of our cruise, what if the news is bad, what if they recommend a termination, how will we enjoy or even go on our holiday if they tell us that (I know you are thinking – it will be ok, nothing bad can happen to you again surely) but bad things do happen and I need to be mentally prepared for both situations.  I have been involved with a support group and some of my friends from this group have been to hell more than at least once, it is a sad realisation that most people can’t comprehend or accept my fears about.  People say – be positive as if you are negative all the time you may bring on bad things, crap, if it is going to happen it will happen and if I want to be scared stiff about this pregnancy I am going to be.  People who have experience what D & I have ,I listen to their opinions, but other people who say things that have no absolute idea how I feel, I feel like telling them to piss off, they have no idea how my body, mind and heart are feeling right now.  People say you need to be happy for this baby now not live in the past, grrrr, our Luke will always be a part of our family and if I want to grieve him forever I can too.  Gee my mood is great today huh.   We just miss him so much and wish that he was here with us, I hate driving off from the cemetery and leaving him behind, it will never be ok.

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Tough times..

Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of our son Luke’s death.  It is still so hard and so many memories pour into your head from the minute you wake up until you go to bed to hopefully go to sleep.  The memories of where you were and what was happening at that exact time during the whole day two years ago.  I walked around most of the day like a zombie blocking out the pain of my overwhelming hurting heart (well D called it Cindyland) as he spoke to me a few times and I didn’t respond so he figure I was off somewhere.  We went to the cemetery in the afternoon and released his birthday balloons so that he could play with them in heaven with all of his little playmates that our friends have sadly lost too.  Thank you to everyone who left flowers, gifts and to those who called or sent emails and text messages.  It was nice to know our real friends who care and remember our son and our broken hearts.  Gee I wish everything was so different, he was here with us, not in this “better place” people try to tell us to make us feel better, how on earth anywhere other than being with his loving parents could be a better place is beyond me, I wish he was now in his terrible 2’s, driving us insane with his naughtiness, excited that he is going to have a baby brother or sister and all of his playmates in heaven were his real playmates in real life.  So wrong, so heart-breaking, so cruel, I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.  I know if we are lucky enough to keep this baby I am now carrying, it will fill a huge whole in our lives, fill our lost empty arms, give us the joy of being actual parents instead of parents without our son, but it will never ever make us feel better or make it any easier for losing our first child Luke, he will always be the most special thing to us no matter how many children we are lucky enough to have.  He will always be our most precious baby, our little man bubby Luke. 

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Happy 2nd Birthday…

Happy 2nd Birthday Bubby Luke… wish you were here to open presents and have a little party with your friends.  Love you lots xxx

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Scan Result…

Well I am pleased that is over, I laid there in tears while the scan was being done, with D holding my hand but after all of the anxiety and stress we got good news – one little baby with a healthy heartbeat and our baby was waving it’s little arm and leg stumps around flat out to say hello.  Period date/details: 9w 1d -Baby size date/details: 8w 5d – 3 days variance between the two but they aren’t worried about that at all.  Ob happy with how everything looked.  Due date still approx. 18/11/07, I suggested booking in mid October for a c-section and if I could have a big sedative for me to take until then.  My next scan on 7th May, 2 days before our cruise so I am not sure if I will be more nervous about that or getting on the ship.  Lots of tears of relief once scan was complete, a few more weeks and then hopefully we are out of the scare zone.  Ob did suggest I sit in the corner with my legs crossed for the whole pregnancy, sounds good to me.  Phew, I can breathe again, well for now until my next wave of stress/emotions moves in.

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Terrified

I am so scared, I have been in tears, I am so worried about my appointment today beyond words.  What happens if something is wrong, I know I need to be positive but I was last time and look what happened, it is so hard.  I can’t cope with the not knowing if everything will be ok this time.  I just want it to be all over and I am at home with a healthy baby to keep for ourselves.  I am missing my little boy so much too, what a week… hopefully good news today and then Lukes’ 2nd birthday on Sunday.  If only he was here with us to come and look at the scan with his father and I today excited that he is going to have a baby brother or sister.  This is so damn hard.  Please let everything be ok today.

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Monday 10th

Well we survived another Easter without our son, it is so tough and your mind goes flat out wondering what we would be doing if Luke had’ve been still with us.  He would’ve been celebrating his 2nd birthday this month (on the 22nd) and he would’be been great fun to run around with finding little chocolate eggs in the pot plants and other hidey holes as my mum did for me. 

I am still finding it difficult to discuss this pregnancy with anyone and people that get excited and talk about it constantly (or even worse try and pat my tummy) I just want to say “ok – enough, I’m not ready to do this yet”.  I am still going through so many emotions and the main one being guilt, why won’t they still talk about Luke – yet they are now happy and excited to talk about us being pregnant again like this will make everything better, it won’t.  Living without Luke will always be like a part of us is missing, he will always be a most special part of our family even if we are lucky enough to have more.  Maybe I will feel a little better after the 16th.

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Hope..

We had our first ob visit this afternoon, she is really happy that we fell pg after 3 cycles on clomid, she is really happy with the scan saying there is definitely a baby in there and that I am between 7-8 weeks as predicted from my last period date.  My uterus is retroverted which is ok, but it made things difficult to see anything very well, therefore no confirmation of a heartbeat.  I am disappointed as that is all I wanted and needed today.  I have to believe everything is ok though and stay positive as ob said it is all good, that there is a healthy sack and a yolk about the size of a grape which is our litte baby.  She has booked me in for another scan on the 16th, hopefully I will get to see more then.  She told me to stay positive and relax….sounds easy.

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