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Archive for May, 2007

Guilt…

This is really tough, I am so protective of this baby, not eating the wrong foods, not doing the wrong things and getting checked out if I feel nervous or anxious about anything but when it comes to other things I just clam up and freak out.   Our dear neighbour brought over two hand knitted sleeping bags for us the other day, I got them out of the bag while she was here to look at them and thanked her very much but as soon as she left I done the bag back up and shoved it up the back of the spare room wardrobe.  I also got an invitation to a childrens book party this week but I am just not ready to admit too much or get too comfortable in this pregnacy in case I jinx it.  I know it isn’t fair and I feel really guilty as I should be just as excited as I was when I was carrying Luke but it is just too scary yet.  D asked me the other day when are we going to bring the baby things out of storage to clean up and unpack and I said not yet.  I guess because I was sooooo organised ready for Luke right down to the cotton balls open in a container under the change table ready to wipe his bottom I am not ready to get that organised again in case I get this child taken from me too.  People say it won’t happen again, life can’t be that cruel, but it can, I know it can, one of my dearest friends has been to hell and back 6 times in 3 years so I know lightning can strike more than once.  I guess I am pleased that I am now 15 weeks and my first loss was picked up at 14 weeks so I have crossed that hurdle just the 42 week mark now.  I know I need to stay positive but my protective wall keeps me a bit safe for now.

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My Mothers Day…

I had the worst Mothers Day ever,  2005 was tough as it was only a month after we had lost Luke, that was sad and I just blocked it out, 2006 was hard too as you think about your little angel who should now be 1 year and 1 month old wobbling up to the bedroom with daddy with your home-made card and breakfast, 2007 I was stuck in a 4x4m creaking cabin on board the cruise ship Pacific Sun unable to sit up without vomitting, unable to talk to my own mum for Mothers Day and unable to think about anything but how terrible I was feeling.  Drew had stashed a card for me in his luggage and I cried and cried when I opened it for so many reasons I couldn’t list them all.  It will never be an easy day no matter how many more children we may be lucky enough to have, one will always be missing.  This poem was read at Luke’s funeral and it is very fitting for me for this time of the year…

To the Child in My Heart

O precious, tiny, sweet little one

You will always be to me

So perfect, pure, and innocent

Just as you were meant to be.

 

We dreamed of you and of your life

And all that it would be

We waited and longed for you to come

And join our family.

 

We never had the chance to play,

To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you, touch you know

And listen to you giggle.

 

I’ll always be you mother

He’ll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child that we had.

 

But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here

We sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy.

There’s love in every tear.

 

Just know our love goes deep and strong.

We’ll forget you never –

The child we had, but never had,

And yet will have forever.

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Baby ok…

We went to see Ob yesterday after our horror holiday as I was terrified something had happened to our baby due to my sickness and the pain in my abdomen, but everything is ok.  The baby had a strong heartbeat and was kicking frequently which made me cry again.  I was so sure something was wrong, I had that awful gut feeling going on all morning. 

Now I just have to get rid of this cold I have had since getting home last week, at least I haven’t got my headache today (well yet)!!

Things aren’t looking good for our travel insurance as it was our decision to get off the ship and not by written advice from the ships’ doctor.  Damn insurance companies!!  I was so damn sick for 4 nights straight and couldn’t keep down water after nausea tablets and injections and they doubt our legitimacy!  I guess the rogues have ruined it for us honest people.  We will still try our hardest though and if knocked back, take it further again. 

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Well we’re not meant to be back until Monday – but thanks to our holiday from hell we got home yesterday.  Here’s how the story goes…..The first night in Sydney was nice, we arrived late and went out for a lovely meal and then had an early night ready for our big day on Thursday boarding the ship.  Thurs morning we wandered around and done a little bit of shopping.  The bus picked us up at 1pm and the fun began.  We got onto the ship ok and went straight to check out our room, small but nice enough.  We then went up to the leaving party, that was the best part of our cruise experience, it all went down hill from there.  Leaving Sydney Harbour was fun, loud music, strangers waving, people dancing, cocktails and mocktails being consumed, exciting stuff.  Once we left the Harbour and got to the heads that was it for me, my fear, my tummy, my head all starting playing up.  We went back to the room and I layed down just putting my feelings down to the big day we’d had and my exhaustion.  We went for our first dinner, got all dressed up, sat with some lovely people but I still felt off so I had to excuse myself half way through main course and we headed back to the room.  That was pretty much where I stayed, in bed, sick as a dog, for the next 3 days at sea.  I was so ill, I vomitted everything up that I tried to force down, I had the worst headache and the rocking of the boat was terrible.  The 2nd day Drew took me to the doctor and I had an injection as the tablets my Ob gave me wouldn’t stay down either.  We decided that we had had enough, so Drew went to organise us getting off the ship at the first possible chance, Day 4!  Poor Drew, he was sooooo bored, confined to a small cabin that rattled, creaked, smelled and he watched every movie available on board.  He didn’t leave me very often and when he did it was for only a short time as the activities, dining, etc. wasn’t much fun for him alone.  I was so disappointed for him and disappointed in myself for getting so sick.  Day 4 arrived and we had pulled into dock, I was so happy.  We got off the ship after having my second breakfast on board (two pieces of toast and water – wasn’t going to risk eggs & bacon!!) but the heat, the smell of the island and the fatigue hit me and I had to sit down as I thought I was going to pass out.  Once I rested for a bit we took off again and had a nice look around Luganville.  We got back on the ship at lunch time and after lunch I rested again until we left the ship for good at 5pm, I’ve never been so relieved.  We flew to Vila where we stayed for the next two nights at the most gorgeous resort, before we could catch the first flight back to Sydney (this little stay being the highlight of our holiday), we had one full lovely day, we relaxed by the pool,  we swam,  we walked, we shopped, we dined, it was a lovely day together and we wished we had’ve just spent our whole holiday there instead of wasting time and money on the cruise.  The next day, much to our disappointment, we flew back to Sydney which was a long boring 4 hour flight.  We couldn’t catch a direct flight home that night due to the lateness of our arrival in Sydney, so we stayed at a hotel nearby and flew out finally yesterday after the fog delayed us for just over an hour.  It is so nice to be home but then I am so pissed off and disappointed that our holiday which we had such great expectations in more ways than one, let us down.  When are we going to get a break?!?!?!  I rang my Ob this morning as I am nervous, our baby had no food or nourishment for 3 whole days, I only kept down water and the vomitting hurt my stomach, plus the injection worried me, so I want to make sure everything is ok, I see her on Monday afternoon.  I am sure I felt a big kick last night so I am sure it is ok but I want and need to be certain that this holiday and my illness didn’t risk or hurt anything.  Now the fun of trying to recover some of the huge, and I mean huge, expense of getting off the ship through travel insurance, wish us luck!!

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Update…

Went for our 12 week scan yesterday and I couldn’t believe how much he/she had grown.   Very active during the scan and was doing loop de loops, rolling over and waving arms and legs around flat out, they are really happy and the chances of down syndrome was 1:6321 which is good and no further tests needed.  Overall Ob was very happy but she wants me back in 4 weeks to keep us happy (or sane) and then another scan in 6 weeks (18 wks).  I was crying the whole time the scan was happening again, it is such a bittersweet moment, I guess I just have trouble trusting what they are telling us about the scans after Luke.  They kept telling us he was fine too and look what happened.  We had to relive everything and explain what happened from induction at 42 weeks, the horrible labour and what happened after Luke was born, his condition, my post-natal care (well lack of) etc. as she needed to know the details ready for this birth, it was tough work for us both and D mentioned on the way home that some of the things had been still blocked from his memory until I had said it again, isn’t grief a funny thing how it blocks things until we are reminded as it is too painful.  I said to my Ob that due to the trauma of giving birth to Luke I would prefer not to have a natural birth this time if possible.  Fingers crossed now for the next 4 weeks.

We leave for our cruise tomorrow, can’t believe how fast the date has come around.  I am nervous and hardly slept a wink last night thinking about last minute things I needed to organise and that I have enough clothes etc.  Won’t be back until the 21st so I will let you know how it all went.  I hope I don’t get sea sick as well as this all day pregnancy sickness that I hope passes soon.  In the 2nd trimester now so fingers crossed I will start feeling better, more energetic and my headaches stop.

Bon Voyage!!!

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