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Archive for June, 2007

Why?

Why do I feel so sad at the moment?  I am not sure.  We were so unlucky losing our boy and I will never get over losing him ever.   He was so perfect. 

I am growing out of my clothes and I mentioned to D last night about having to get down the bag of maternity clothes from the huge pile of “stuff” stored under the tarp in the garage maybe on the weekend but as soon as I said those words the tears flowed again.  I guess these clothes were the last things I wore before our hearts were shattered into a million pieces.  I was the happiest I have ever been in these clothes and we were so excited about our future family.  I guess that is why I am so scared to bring them out again.  I might not be able to wear any of them anyway as they were for the the summer months and I definitely won’t be wearing anything summery at the moment. -4.6 degrees here this morning, so cold! 

I know that I should be happy not sad as at least we have been given the opportunity to wear them again, some people don’t get second chances.  I am very happy to be pg again and can’t wait to meet the new addition to our family,  it is just so hard with all of the sad memories from my last pg’y and the outcome of it.  I am so terrified.

When we sold my old car on Saturday, D was taking the seat covers off at the ladies house and I had forgotten that I had put a plastic sheet from the hospital under my seat cover while I was pregnant in case my waters broke in the car.  D pulled it out and held it up to me with the saddest heartwrenching look on his face.  I just looked at him stunned and wanted to burst into tears again and go around and hug him but I contained myself and tried to do something else straight away as I didn’t want this lady to know what was going on. 

It just hurts so much that these past actions of happiness end up being so painful when you have to live them again now.  I miss our little boy so so much and wish he was here to meet his new little sibling.  Knowing Luke is looking after our unborn little one from Heaven just isn’t enough sometimes, I want him here with us where he belongs.

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18 weeks down…

143 sleeps to go….. apparently – says my excited husband. 

We had our 18 weeks scan yesterday and it was as emotional as usual, the baby had grown so much and the features that we got to see were amazing.  The lady who done the scan knew our situation and was really thorough, explaining all the bits and reassuring us that it all looked ok.  She went through bit by bit working her way down the body checking the organs and bits all the way.  When it got to the legs she asked whether we wanted to know the sex or not and I made my mind up then and there and said “OK let’s do it”.  There were lots of tears.  That is all I can say really as we have decided not to share that information with anyone except for our parents.  When we made the phone calls last night we were both disappointed that none of them wanted to know so no we have this information that we can only talk to each other about.   At the end of the day all that matters is that it is ok and we are booked in for a caesarian on the 12th November at this stage.  That date means a lot to me as my very special favourite grandfather (I called him Dadda) died on that date so it will be a great honor to him and my mum to have our baby on that date. 

Other news, we got a new (secondhand) car on the weekend and we love it.  Out with the old memories and in with another chapter of our fresh start.  We got a 2001 Commodore S.  It is red and it looks and drives really hot!  We didn’t even expect to get it really, we just went for a drive down the coast for Drew’s birthday and thought we would take a look while we were there.  I hadn’t cleaned my old car, it was almost out of rego, needed new tyres but she still took it as a trade-in when we decided we loved the new car.

Still fighting for travel insurance, just waiting on medical report from ship now before sending off second claim.

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Disappointed & Dumb

Well I am dumb because I thought my scan /checkup was Monday but it’s actually Tuesday afternoon.

I am disappointed because my friends and family who live 3 hours away don’t take time to see me when they are within 5 minutes driving distance.   I doubt myself as a friend and family member when people either call me after they already have spent the day, night or worse the weekend only 10 minutes away and not bothered to let me know they are in town so we can catch up and then people who I know are coming this way and are meant to drop in find an excuse not to pop in for 30 mins to see my new house that I have now been in for 18 months and say hello.  I know I don’t visit them everytime I am in Smithton but I am there almost every 6 weeks maximum so it’s not like the 18 months I have been waiting for my family to come and visit me.  I am so disappointed as I miss these people and I feel like I must be a bad person for them not to go out of there way to miss me and make the effort to visit me too.  Maybe I won’t bother as much anymore, relationships are two way streets.  I know I am a different person than I was two years ago but I am still Cindy and I still have a soft heart even though it has been snapped slowly in two billion pieces.  

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Bad Person Rut…

I am feeling like a very poor, bad, uncaring friend and wife at the moment.  I am in a rut, I am happy to be hibernating at home with only the company of my husband even if we aren’t chatting, the fact that we are together, even in silence is comforting for me.  D is my rock and I rely so heavily on him for my brave side, even though he doesn’t know that. I avoid answering the phone as I feel like I am in this rut that is so deep that I don’t know how to be happy Cindy anymore.  I used to love socialising, visiting and calling friends for a general chit-chat, at the moment I can’t find that person.  I don’t know why other than me being a coward that feels so useless.  I feel so tired, I feel scared,  I feel nervous, I feel lonely, I feel flat, I feel like I am letting my friends and husband down and that I am continuously pushing them away for various reasons.  I hope that this passes soon and some of the old happy cheery Cindy pokes her head out for all to see. 

D has also been sad too for other reasons and I wish that I could make things better for him, maybe that is dragging me down too.  This extra stress that this person is causing us is so unneccesary and selfish but I am staying out of it.  He has been working so hard in the backyard and it looks fabulous, he is so clever and I love that he is so proud of his home.  

Still working on the crap for our second lot of correspondence regarding our travel insurance but we will keep fighting to the end.

Nervous about next Monday as there for a while I was feeling heaps of flutters but now I’m not, I hope I am just being paranoid and everything will be ok.  D wants to find out the sex but I am beastly careless, as long as the baby is ok and we get to bring home this child I don’t really care if it is a boy or a girl.  I guess it would be good mental preparation for us if it is another boy but we can’t change whatever it is so that is why I am not sure of what to do.  Wait and see how I feel on the day, I don’t think I could stand D knowing and me not.  5 sleeps to go.

I am loving being at home today, the sun is out, the dogs are protecting their mum at the door (fierce guard dogs – I will try to attach a photo) and I love not having to get dressed up and put makeup on.  I am happy to be a hermit at home.  That will change soon as I am sooo booked out over the end of June and beginning of July, busy busy and a bit of travelling, I hope I don’t wear myself out and get run down. 

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Boring..

As you can see I haven’t blogged for a while as nothing exciting (well that I can write about) has happened in the past week except for work and home and many headaches. I am sick to death of the headaches but my iron levels are fine apparently and I drink lots of water so I am hoping nothing is going on with my tumour.  D seems to think that I had lots of headaches when I was carrying Luke too, I can’t remember.  

Well done to D who attempted to give up smoking last weekend without much luck, he went really well the first day but the second day he was hopeless, cranky, and I knew exactly what he was going through.  I encouraged him for his super effort but it got too much so I sent him out to get ciggies.  Hopefully he will try again and be successful before our baby is born.  I would love it.  I think it is funny that guys find it so hard to sacrifice and give up things as we “HAVE” to give up so much when we are pregnant and yes it is damnnnnnnn hard but we just do it.  I am hanging out for a wine or a jim beam, i am hanging out for soft cheese, i am hanging out for a piece of battered flake, i am hanging out for prawns, i am hanging out for a vanilla thickshake from Macca’s (need I go on!) and I gave up smoking cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant with Luke but I just know I can’t have any of it so I don’t.  I am still very proud of him for trying as he has smoked for 17 years now and enjoys it. 

I am off to my parents tomorrow night to pick up Cocky as he has been holidaying with them since before we went on our cruise so it will be nice to catch up with them and also see my Cocky boy.  He will be so clingy when I get him home and carry on everytime I leave the room, he’s so cute but so annoying. 

Working from home is great, I have had a home day today and it is so nice not to have to go anywhere but still do some work and get paid for lounging around in my trackpants and slippers.  Alright! 

Looking forward to the 18th now for our 18 week scan and checkup. 

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