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Archive for July, 2007

OK, I thought my head would do me in and it did.  I lost it both at the LGH and St Lukes Hospitals.  I tackled LGH alone first and it was hard, lots of questions about my last birth and Luke.  I asked them if we could make sure we don’t get the same ward and hopefully we won’t need to face the special care nursery again as there are no other options except for the room Luke was in.  St Lukes was lovely, D came with me for that appt and the lady we dealth with was so nice.  It ruined me to start with when we followed her into the small room at the end of the corridor, it was a total flashback of a room that we were taken into at the Royal Childrens Hospital in Melbourne to be given terrible news.  The small cosy room with chairs, fake flowers and a tissue box, was so similar it was freaky.  Then the questions started and I lost it.  We had a walk around and it was ok, I wasn’t too freaked out.  D told me he got upset when we went into the nursery when he saw the humidity crib, I never saw Luke in one of those as he was already moved to the oxygen tent by the time I got to see him.  Well it’s done now, we are booked in and thank goodness that’s over.  I spent the rest of the night a mess.  Fingers crossed that we get to spend enjoyable times in these places in a few months time and it helps heal some of the nasty memories from the past.  So many people take for granted what a simple thing that people normally feel excited and keen to do can be so traumatic and sad for someone that has had a loss. 

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My Next Fear…

This afternoon I have to go and do my “booking in” appointments at the hospitals.  I am terrified and very anxious.  I am not sure if it is a matter of my head doing me in for no reason and I will be fine or what.   I know that I don’t have to face the dreaded “level 4” where Luke was born today (because I triple checked) but I am still anxious about the questions they ask, it brings back so much emotional pain.  I haven’t been to St Lukes Private Hospital before as we were whisked off to Melbourne within 12 hours of Luke being born so that will be not as hard due to the no memory thing, but still I am frightened for some reason.  I think it is because it is another admission step of this pregnancy, this is really happening again and I am soooo terrified of the outcome.  I am hoping my rock will come with me for emotional support as I have no idea how I will react after I am done.  I am teary already and I haven’t even left home yet.

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Scan results…

Everything still ok, baby moving around flat out,  started on it’s tummy then to the left side then to it’s right side.  Hiding it’s face, moving it’s legs and arms and not being very co-operative for the scan lady at all. She is lovely, explains everything so well stopping and explaining what we are looking at and understanding our fears. I was a big brave girl today and didn’t cry once.  I am so grateful that all is ok and I have a caring husband who always is there by my side, holding my hand rubbing it gently, supporting me and my feelings when he would be feeling just as emotional looking at what I am seeing.  We even got the chance to see our baby in 3D which was amazing.  My blood pressure was low but otherwise go back in 4 weeks for next checkup.  Ob did offer sleeping pills to help me sleep and not be so tired but when the question put to her about their safety to the baby she said not 100% so I said no thanks and just told her I would soldier on and get used to being tired.  It’s nice to see everything is ok and be reassured that it is – so far so good. 

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Wonder?

Losing a child is so horrible, you wouldn’t wish it upon your worst enemy.  The heartache, the longing, the wonder, the what-if’s, the staring at other children around the same age as what your child would be now if he had’ve been given the chance at life.   I have been reading a blogger friend B’s site and my heart aches for her.  I relate to her so much as her and her husbands’ loss was very similiar to ours.  I also wonder if Luke was in any pain in my womb and I also worry that he was in pain after he was born.  I guess they had him sedated for those two days but it always lingers in the back of your mind.  I hate going to have my bi-annual MRI scans now as that was the last test that our little boy had to endure and I know how daunting they are for me in the horrible tunnel with your head strapped into a cage and the loud banging noise so I worry and feel bad that we weren’t there to support him during that last test.  So many things going on in my head right now.  I find it soooo hard to visit the cemetery at the moment now that my tummy is growing, I feel guilty even though I know Luke watches us from Heaven helping us all the way, I just feel bad standing there pregnant with my most precious boy buried in front of me.  It will never be fair. 

We are off for another scan this afternoon which I am looking forward to.  I love the reassurance, the knowledge they pass on and just being able to see that everything is ok so far.  I feel a lot better now that I am feeling lots of movements, lets me know that it is ok.  23 weeks down, 16 to go.

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Well it’s been a while since I have taken a breather from work to sit down and post.  It has been a wild fortnight with me working most days (with travel time and bookkeeping once back in the office) at least 9/10 hour days since last Monday.  The weekend I spent doing not much as I had a bit of a scare with mega pain going on in my tummy.  It started on the Friday at work and I just put it down to me getting up too quickly and it was just a twinge when I got up and down out of the chair/car.  Sat it started the same but by early afternoon I was in so much pain I could hardly walk and was shuffling along like an old lady two inches at a time doubled over.  I spent the afternoon/night on the couch but if I went to sit up or roll over the pain grabbed me again.  I was so scared.  Drew offered to take me in to A&E to get checked over but I didn’t want to be faced with that place just yet especially with the expectation of bad news.  I took panadol and laid on the couch until I went to bed.  Sunday the pain was much better but still niggling enough to let me know it was still there.  I rang my Ob on the Monday morning to see if I should be checked out and she said it would be just my ligaments stretching as sometimes it can be worse with your second pregnancy and that it will be ok.  I have been ok since but making mental notes each day to take it easy and not push myself too hard even though I have been flat out at work.    My head was doing some wonderful things to me on Sat night though, thinking the worst like;

this is it?

is the baby down ready to come out?

is my cervix shortning?

is that a contraction?

is my tummy tightning?

am I going to lose this baby?

crap we have hit 20 weeks now so we are going to have to have another funeral?

how will we cope with this?

how am I going to face friends and family again?

…………..horrible thoughts!  I am feeling better now but can’t wait until the next scan in two weeks to reassure me that all is still ok.  This is mental torture.

On the maternity clothes front, we faced our fears and got “the bag” down from the storage area in the garage and went through it together in the laundry last weekend.  I was so brave, not a tear shed.  I did pause when I picked up the top I remember wearing to the hospital the day we were going to be induced with Luke but then I just threw it in the washing machine and turned off my brain.  Some stayed in the bag as they were definitely too summery for this time of the year in Tas.

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