Archive for September, 2007

Not so lovely week…

I have gone from having a lovely week last week to a horrible week this one.  I am in a bad place.  Crabby.  Sad.  Anxious.  Tired.  Hurting.  I could keep going……  The weekend came and went without too much excitement, in bed early both nights.  My DH is working himself to the bone moving his mum into her unit and I can’t do a lot to help him.  I am tired, sometimes too tired to be bothered with anything or anyone.  I was up and down all of last night, burping, pain from indigestion and not comfortable at all even with the sleeping tablets ob prescribed.  Preganacy is hard, I don’t care who disagrees with me, I find it hard let alone without having to face THIS pregnancy, not just a normal one.  I know I should just be so grateful that I am pregnant and we have been given a second chance but I am very emotional with fears, pains and many other things going on right now that I guess that is out of my mind.   We had another scan yesterday and I was terrified, terrified that something would show up and we would have to face more bad news.  My fears were wrong, they say all is ok, I am trying to trust them but we have heard all of that before.  The baby is ok, they say, a little bigger than expected for how many weeks I am, but that is good seeing we are having an early elective c-section anyway.  We are back at the 12th Nov again now (only 6 days early), but ob is going to confirm again at next appt.  She told me if we go too early we won’t be able to bring home our baby straight away and she doesn’t want to make us face the nursery again and leave our baby behind while we are at home.  Makes sense but I am keen for this to be over now.  I am stressed.  I have decided to work up to the 26th Oct, only leaving me 2 weeks to ponder and get prepared.  As I don’t work full time and can choose when and where I work that will be ok as I can do as much or little as I feel like.  Anyway, sorry for the whinge, I am getting very good at that apparently.  Hope to have a more positive post soon.


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Lovely week…

I am pleased to report that the setting up of the nursery was tear-free for me and it looks really nice.  D got upset at a couple of things that we unpacked but I just did the old block out trick.  Works wonderfully.  I did nearly lose it at one stage but managed to fight it off when we unpacked one of the tubs and found the quilt, cot ruffle, organiser, sheets etc. that I had made for Lukes’ cot.  I know he never got to use any of the things but they were bought and made for him, that is why it was so hard.  All of the bittersweet moments and shattered dreams and hopes of our unborn childs belongings who turned into the most gorgeous little boy Luke who was swept away after two short days.  But I kept telling myself that Luke would want his little sibling to share these things but we did keep a tub full of special things that won’t be used again.  I done some more sewing for the new nursery over the weekend too but I can’t show photo’s until as it will give away the sex sorry.

This week my mum finally got to visit which was nice.  We spent 3 nights together and I finally got to share with her what we are having this time so that she could go into the new nursery and help me with clothes washing and buying.  It was nice to be able to talk to someone about it all without having to censor bits or watch what I said.  I cried when we went into the nursery together for the first time as I am so damn nervous about it all.

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All ok…

Ob visit went well.  Blood pressure still my usual low.  Baby heartbeat strong but while she was feeling my tummy she said she felt tightening which meant Braxton Hicks contractions.  She said it is normal but I hadn’t realised I was having them, explains my tight feelings that I was having.  Another scan and checkup in two weeks and I will continue to see her 2 weekly now until the end.  I did ask her for another big sedative until the end or could we book in for tomorrow but she said no that is was too early.  She has prescribed sleeping tablets so that my brain will switch off and I am not up for 2 hours during the night not being able to sleep.  We made another trip to Babyland after the appt and picked up the cot mattress, cot set and bassinette ready to set up this weekend.  I am nervous about getting the things out of storage but I am hoping that the thought is worse than the action.  So many hopes and dreams were based on these things we purchased 2 years ago and that is what makes them sad now.  We will keep the special things made for Luke in storage, they were for him. 

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I have been going ok until last week.  A few comments made to me at a friends birthday dinner as well as the fear creaping in for what we are about to experience really set me off on Thursday night.  I had a major meltdown.  They say a good sob session is good for you sometimes but I think this one just made me flat for days afterwards.  Poor D, he is so supportive even though he is fighting his own demons with so many emotions going on in his personal life at the moment.  Moving his mum from their family home of 50 years, going through his fathers personal items bringing back bittersweet memories, having to witness his mum’s frustrations and fears of leaving their home… .it’s all happenening for him at the moment as well as putting up with his fears of our unborn child and his wife having major mood meltdowns too.  I had a quiet night to myself on Friday, I put my spoilt bald galah to bed early (well covered him over), put the doggies to bed early and just relaxed in bed with my bed friend the heat pack and the tv until my eyes couldn’t focus any longer.  Sat I went to town to try and entertain myself and bought something for this baby for the first time.  I was really nervous and picked things up and put them back until I heard someone saying to me in the back of my mind, it’s ok Cindy, you can love and spoil this baby too.  So I did it, I walked to the counter with 3 things I had yo-yo’ed on and off the shelves for 30 minutes and I was terrified but happy that I had taken that step.  D surprised me by coming home Sat night instead of Sunday afternoon as he knew I was in a bad place and needed my rock.  We had a lovely day yesterday, fiddling in the backyard, a visit from dear friends and then we tackled putting our wall border and stickers in the nursery.  It was peaceful, there was no tension, no dramas and no tears.  It was nice and I am so pleased that we didn’t get upset as I don’t want this to be a sad room but a nice peaceful, calm place for our second child to love.  It looks really good but unfortunately due to our choice it will be a giveaway what sex we are having so the door will remain closed while visitors are in the house.  My next ob visit this afternoon and I am nervous as always.  I am just so frightened of the outcome with only 7 1/2 weeks to go.  Terrified that something bad will happen again.  I don’t get any comfort in people telling me otherwise because I have heard it all before and I know bad things can happen more than once. 

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